my bedroom is actually really cool and comfortable

Sometimes time here doesn't flow exactly the way I'd like it to. I'd like things to be easier than they are. I'd like to feel more solid in my position here. I'd like for these two things to start happening without so much constant effort on my part. ...but that's not the way it's been going, and I don't know if that's the way it'll ever go.

I've been down in various degrees of the dumps for the past two weeks or so. School has resumed, the girls are all here, they've even had their first exam already...but I'm feeling so frozen in place. Like I've slipped back a couple of notches and need to work hard to resume the place I thought I had before. ...and doing all the work that in my head at least I think I need to do to get to where in my head feels like a place I've already been is a big daunting exhausting task.

So what do I do? Do I sit in my house and watch eight straight episodes of a stupid sitcom on my laptop? Do I slink into my kitchen and eat half a jar of American peanut butter with a spoon? Do I neglect the little things I could do to feel productive, the things that are glaring me in my face like washing my laundry or organizing the explosion of books and papers in my living room or cleaning my bathroom? Yes, yes and yes. Maybe not the most productive ways to deal with the downer times but to a certain extent I've gotta let myself feel these feelings. In a lot of ways I'm completely on my own here...if I put too much pressure on myself to get over the bad times I might explode. I'll get over this eventually. I know I will. I'm strong enough,I've gotten over things before, I know I can convince myself to take the first step eventually. Hell, the fact that I got myself up to the internet to post this stuff tells you I got out of my house, right?

I thought I was going to get through my time here without slipping into self doubt and feeling frozen in my house. I've been so good, getting out and talking to people all the time, working on relationships, fitting in little by little. Maybe this is a rite of passage, something that just happens to everyone that needs to be pushed through. Two years sometimes seems so long and so short at the same time. It takes such a long time to feel comfortable, to be productive, to be safe from the severe downs (are we ever safe from the downs?) and once you find that balance it's downhill, Close of Service staring you in the face.

The Peace Corps is such a funny thing.

Seven months in country and I'm feeling a bit homesick. It strikes in the most surprising ways. For instance, I have an insatiable craving for a smoked turkey sandwich on whole grain bread with fancy spicy mustard and cheese and crispy lettuce. If you're reading this and can make one of those, go do it and eat it and let me know how it tasted. I'll live vicariously through you. It's not about the food. It's about the home.

I mean, I'm home here, in a way...sometimes it just feels more like it than other times. Now is not one of those feels-like-it times.

I need to catch myself on an upswing and get out of my house. I should probably decide to go into town this afternoon...even though I'm not really feeling like I want to. I feel like I should stick around here. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be in town...this bike ride stuff is sometimes a pain in the ass. Thanks, site placement team.

A positive, life is bright blog entry will follow soon. I promise I will do my best. For you. And me. This really is the perfect place for me...having to get through, get over, grow from this kind of stuff prooves it even more. Petit à petit.