(27th November)
The regional director of Peace Corps Africa visited my site; while we were talking about my experiences, he sincerely apologized for my service having been used as an experiment. (…Leslie and Rachel, no doubt the same sentiments apply.) A very appropriate, much appreciated apology, I think.
Because, you know, I’m tired. There are a lot of things about being an étranger for two years as you’re putting all of your energy into living, working, understanding and being a good neighbor that are exhausting. I’m doing so well at living, working, being in Lioudougou…think of how much progress I’d have made by now if I had been there from the beginning. I’ve thought many times, before moving down there and since, that this year in many ways will be a first year all over again, and that it might be worth it to stay a third so that I’ll have two in my new community, in the right place.
But this isn’t my first year, and I’m tired.
And I wouldn’t want to just do the little things I’ve been finding to do all over again next year. I’d want someone to work with to actually do things that are wanted and needed, and if I don’t find someone or something, I don’t think I’m going to want to stick around for another twelve months in the hope that I do. I think I’m ready for some professional growth, something challenging in a way that differs from the sort of hurry up and wait, cast your net wide, drop hints all over the place that you’d like to help out with things without ever actually doing anything, put up with sexual harassment challenges that so permeate life for volunteers here. I could GEE the heck out of somewhere. When I got my invitation in the mail, I would have sworn that this program was designed for me. What did I do in the five years before the Peace Corps that wasn’t Girls’ Education and Empowerment? As it turns out, I was put somewhere where, frankly, my presence wasn’t requested. I was plopped into a place where there wasn’t any community knowledge of or support of my program and told by my half of the equation (i.e., the Peace Corps, and not Kongoussi / Lioudougou), “Ok, go be a GEE volunteer now. Figure it out.”
But what is the role of the outsider in development? What is my role here? I have not ever been down with forcing my ideas on how things should work here, and why should I be? I’m a 24 year old girl, really. No more than a few months’ experience at any one time doing any sort of important work. A (very interesting and appropriate, but) highly theoretical degree (not that the degree itself is theoretical…or so I’ve been assured) from a liberal arts school doesn’t really stand on its own; what it’s done is lead me to this, my first real work slash life experience where I am forced to apply some of the thinking I’ve done. And I think that’s going to end up being a lot of what I get out of this.
If you divorce the Peace Corps from the Peace Corps, it’s pretty alright. I like my town, I like my community, I like living here. I’m figuring out things I can do to help. These days I’m conscious of the kind of citizen I am in my town, inspired by the insights of a PCV neighbor (neighbor!) of mine. Having the chance to live next door to people on the other side of the world who you would otherwise not have the chance to know is something truly amazing. But connecting back to the bureau is stressing me out recently, and I think this is due in large part to the fact that I feel like a nebulous volunteer, someone without a real program for whom none of the objectives and official bureau support has ever really applied. I’ve searched for ways to be involved and things that I could do to help my neighbors and my community, but not necessarily alongside anyone or towards any specific goals. The things that I’ve found to do that are wanted and asked for are things that I’ve had to make up as I go along. Not the way I wanted to do this, really, but you have to work with what you’ve got.
The Peace Corps is a good program for young idealists who are in-tuned enough to know that idealism isn’t enough, who want an important and fulfilling niche in the world but who don’t yet have the experience to find it. I wonder if, at the end of my two years here, I’ll have gotten all that I can get out of being a Peace Corps Volunteer in Burkina Faso. Maybe I’ll be ready to move on, to try another way of living somewhere, to put more tools in my belt.
It’s amazing how much—and how little—can happen in a span of nine months…so who knows.
I read a very good book recently, The Blue Sweater by Jacquiline Novogratz, that’s allowed me to start to articulate a lot of the feelings that I’m having about my time here, and what it means to be effective, and what I want to do with my life. She showed up for her first job in Africa pretty unprepared and learned a lot of important lessons sort of at the expense of herself…not really a bad thing in the long term, but not such a fun feeling in the present. She relates a lot of the advice and guidance she was given along her way, and a lot of it is the sort of advice and guidance I’m starting to seek. After living and working in Africa for a while, deciding what to do next and not being completely ready to leave (even though she’s exhausted by the contradictions and difficulties of pretty much every day of her life), she’s told by someone insightful and smart that being connected to your own home, your own community or culture, can help you in connecting to the wider world. …and I can see that, after over a year of living in Burkina. No matter how much effort and energy I put into living and integrating into my village here, it will never be my home. I can navigate through the culture here (exceptionally well, on a good day), but it isn’t my culture and it’s never 100 percent comfortable. And these are all things to accept if living and working in different parts of the world is what you want to do.
I feel stuck somewhere, in my brain, and I want to break through to some new degree of understanding about myself and about the world that I know is there on the other side. It’s like a heavy fog is obscuring something, and I’ve made progress towards it with books, with discussions, with living here…but nothing’s been quite enough.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment